RapturousGoogle Read online

  And the pleasure was sublime. It’s all I’ve thought about since the early hours of Monday when I took what I’ve wanted for so damned long. Though I keep thinking about what a heartless, selfish bastard I am for fucking her, I can’t forget the way she took the lead, how she offered herself to me.

  In addition to being a selfish bastard, I’m also no saint. When someone I’m painfully attracted to offers herself to me on a silver platter, I’m going to indulge like the glutton I am.

  Staring at her now as she studiously avoids me, I remember every detail of what happened in her bedroom. I remember every sound and every touch. I remember how tight and wet she was, how she struggled to take all of me and what it felt like when she came so hard she tested my legendary control. More than a day later, I can still taste her sweet flavor.

  I thought maybe if we indulged, if we did what we’ve both wanted to do for years now, that maybe I could put this ridiculous fascination with her in the past where it belongs. But that’s not what happened. No, after having her, I only want more of her, and that cannot happen. It just can’t. Look at how pissed off she is with me now. What would she think if she knew the full truth about me, about my true desires? She’d hate me even more than she already does.

  You know that short list of people I love? Addie is right up there on the top of that list, and I can’t bear to think I’ve caused a permanent rift with someone who’s so important to me. You probably should’ve thought about that before you fucked her and walked away.

  No shit, really?

  I want to tell my conscience to fuck off and leave me alone, but the thing of it is, my conscience is exactly right. Flynn was exactly right when he got in my face the other night and told me to leave her alone if I wasn’t interested in everything with her.

  The cold shoulder is the least of what I deserve from Addie. I’ve got to fix this. I’ve got to repair our friendship, at the very least. I have no idea how I’m going to do that when she won’t even talk to me, but I’ll think of something.

  I tune into the conversation the board is having about a kick-off event that will set the tone for what the foundation hopes to accomplish—raising money for hungry kids without spending hundreds of thousands on fancy Hollywood galas.

  “What about a carnival?” The idea is out of my mouth before it’s fully formed.

  Everyone looks at me, except for Addie, who types on her laptop, presumably taking notes—or composing a manifesto on the many ways Hayden Roth sucks donkey balls, which is one of her favorite expressions.

  “What do you mean?” Natalie asks.

  “You don’t want to do a gala, and on behalf of all of Hollywood, I thank you for one less formal event to attend. How about doing something fun for the population we hope to serve by hosting a carnival with rides and games and face painting and other stuff kids love? We could get someone to donate their estate for the day and turn it into a playground for kids. We’ll invite celebrities to come and bring their kids and contact agencies that support needy kids and get them there, too. Lots of press and photos and TV coverage.”

  By the time I finish spewing, everyone is looking at me, including Addie, who stares at me with an intrigued, arrested expression that makes me want to grab her and drag her from the room so we can deal with the terrible awkwardness. But I can’t do that, so I stare back at her until she looks away, busying herself with her laptop once again.

  “That is an amazing idea,” Natalie says. “What does everyone else think?”

  “I like it,” Flynn says. “It would be fun and keep the focus on the kids, which is what we want.”

  “How would we make money from it?” Flynn’s sister Ellie asks.

  “We’d charge the celebrities to attend,” Flynn’s mother, Stella, says. “They’d pay to be seen at something like this, and their kids would love it, too. It would be great publicity for them to be embracing such a worthy cause, and it would show them as down-to-earth parents who actually play with their kids.”

  I grunt out a laugh. Neither of my celebrity parents ever “played” with me, not that I can recall, anyway. One of the nannies, whose name I can’t remember, took me to a park a few times, but my parents never did anything like that. They were too busy chasing careers that didn’t pan out and romances that ended in one epic disaster after another. Their kid was an afterthought in the midst of all that drama. That’s exactly why I’ll never have kids of my own. I’m too selfish to give them the attention they deserve.

  Flipping a pen between my fingers, I watch Addie take frantic notes as the carnival idea takes off within the group. How is it that even the way she types is sexy? So is the furrow that forms between her brows when she concentrates, and the pucker of her sweet lips.

  I’m hit with a desperate feeling of dread as it occurs to me that I might not be able to fix the damage I’ve done. That can’t happen. No matter what, I need her in my life as my friend.

  With that in mind, I withdraw my phone from my pocket, and, keeping the phone under the table where no one can see what I’m doing, I arrange for the delivery of two hundred dollars’ worth of multicolored roses. I’m taking a huge risk sending them to her at the office, which is why I don’t sign the card. But I don’t need to. She’ll know who they’re from because of the simple message I’ve included—I’m sorry. Forgive me?

  I pay extra to have them delivered within the hour, so maybe she’ll think I arranged for them before I knew she was so pissed at me. When I’ve filled in all the fields, I stare at the Place Your Order button for a long moment before I press it to submit the order. She’ll get them soon, and then we’ll see what happens. I hope it works, because I don’t have a plan B.

  He stares at me throughout the entire meeting. Even though I studiously avoid him, I can feel him watching me. He blew me off, so why is he staring? I want to scream at him to look at someone else, but of course I can’t do that with Natalie and Flynn and his entire family in the room, not to mention the producers and actors Flynn has recruited to sit on the board. And speaking of that, this is the first time Hayden has attended one of the board meetings, despite repeated invitations from Flynn to participate.

  What’s that about? Why did he suddenly decide to come today? Ugh, he drives me crazy! That’s probably why he came—to irritate me. Well, it’s working. Yes, it is, even if I adore his idea about the carnival. See, that’s the thing with Hayden—he can be so exasperating one minute, and in the next minute, he gets it just right.

  We end the meeting with plans to keep in touch about the carnival. Flynn and Natalie personally thank everyone who came as they file out of the room. I gather my belongings and make the mistake of looking to see if Hayden is still there. Of course he is, and he’s still staring. He smiles at me—a small, intimate smile that includes his eyes, which are now warm with affection that infuriates me.

  He can stuff his affection straight up his ass. I’m all set with him and his affection. Whatever.

  I take my papers and laptop and leave the room.

  He’s right behind me. “Addie.”

  Ignoring him, I go directly to the one place he can’t follow me—the ladies’ room. We share it with another company, so he won’t come in here. Dropping my stuff on the counter, I close my eyes and breathe through the anger and agony that overwhelm me. I may tell myself that I hate him, but the truth is I still love him as much as I did before we had sex and ruined everything.

  Then tears are rolling down my face, and I want to scream with frustration. I don’t cry at work. I’m not that girl. I’ve never been that girl. I actually can’t stand that girl who lets her emotions rule her life. That’s never been me, until I had sex with Hayden Roth.

  Using my sleeve, I wipe my face as the door opens to admit Natalie. Great. She immediately sees that I’m crying and comes over to me.

  “Addie? What’s the matter?”

  I force a smile for her benefit. “I’m hiding.”

  “From?”

  “Him.”


  “Oh. So it didn’t go so well the other night?”

  “It went great.”

  “Then what’s wrong?”

  “He left without saying good-bye, ignored a text from me yesterday and today he wants to ‘talk.’ I wanted to talk yesterday. Today I have nothing to say to him.”

  She winces. “Ugh. So you guys actually…”

  “Did it? Yeah, we did, and it was incredible, amazing, life changing, everything I thought it would be. It was like a dream come true, until I woke up alone.” Fucking tears. They make me so damned mad!

  Natalie closes the small space between us and hugs me. “I’m so sorry.”

  I appreciate the comfort and friendship she offers. “It’s okay. I’ll be fine. He’s an ass. I suspected it before I screwed him. Now I know it for sure.”

  “What can I do?”

  “This helped, thank you. I need to get myself together before Leah arrives after lunch.”

  “I can’t wait to see her. I’m so excited to have her here.”

  “We’ll take good care of her.” I wet a paper towel and use it to mop up my tears and the mascara that has collected under my eyes. I look like hell. This day just keeps getting better. “He had a good idea in the meeting.”

  “He certainly did.”

  “At least he’s good for something.”

  Natalie laughs and gives my arm a squeeze. “You know where I am if you need to talk.”

  “I do. Thank you, but I’m all done talking about him. It’s time to cut my losses and move on.”

  We leave the restroom together, and I’m relieved to see no sign of Hayden in the hallway. Natalie smiles at me before she ducks into Flynn’s office. I love her, but I can’t stand that she feels sorry for me. I don’t want her or anyone to pity me. I got exactly what I wanted the other night. If I haven’t gotten what I wanted since then, well, so what? I’ll survive. I always do.

  In the next couple of hours, I throw myself into work. Flynn and Natalie are going to Italy in March for the wedding of Dylan Martin, an actor he’s worked with several times. I plow through the scheduling of the plane, the reserving of a suite at a hotel under a fake name and confirming the wedding itinerary with Dylan’s assistant.

  I move on to reviewing the details of Flynn’s schedule for the promotion of the film that defies naming. It’ll be out in July, and Liza is already arranging interviews and appearances around the premiere. After five years of working for Flynn, the cycle of shooting, postproduction—which he has a hand in when he’s also producing—promotion and premieres around the world has become somewhat predictable. It’s always a little different from one film to the next, but the steps involved don’t change much.

  I’ve got a list of questions for Liza, things I anticipate that Flynn will want to know. I’m ten minutes into composing an email to Liza when Mackenzie appears at my door carrying a massive and colorful bouquet. They positively dwarf her petite frame, and when she peeks around them, her brown eyes dance with glee.

  My heart staggers when I realize they’re for me.

  Goddamn him. Goddamn him and my staggering heart.

  Mackenzie puts the vase on my desk. “Someone has been keeping secrets.”

  “Not me. I have no secrets.”

  “Who’re they from?”

  “I have no idea. Is there a card?”

  Mackenzie points to the envelope buried between yellow and pink roses. The fragrance overpowers my senses as I reach for the envelope. I’m afraid to open it in front of her in case he’s signed it. He wouldn’t do that, would he? “Um…”

  “Oh, okay. So it’s like that, is it?” Winking, she smiles and turns to leave the room.

  We’re friends, and we talk about guys and hookups and other such things. But there’s no way I can talk about this guy or hookup with her or anyone else tied to Quantum. It’s bad enough that Natalie knows—and if she knows, Flynn probably does, too. Moaning at the mess I’ve made of things, I open the envelope to read the message: I’m sorry. Please forgive me?

  I drop into my chair, undone by the simple sentiment and the grand gesture of four-dozen roses, delivered to the office, of all places. “Damn you, Hayden.” He’s got my attention, that’s for sure. Now what?

  I have no time to answer that question or to think about Hayden and the flowers or his note or anything else, because I’m needed at the luncheon to welcome Leah to the Quantum team. Leah, who’s tall and lean and adorable with curly brown hair and big blue eyes, is so excited about her new job that she all but bounces with unrestrained glee.

  Once she gets past being starstruck by her new employers, I think Leah will make a great assistant to Marlowe. She’s bright and intelligent and eager to learn. Thankfully, Hayden is reportedly upstairs in the editing suite and doesn’t attend the luncheon. Flynn, Natalie, Jasper and Kristian are all there representing Marlowe, who’s in London for a premiere. She’ll be back at the end of the week, so I’ve got a few days to get Leah up to speed.

  I keep today focused on the basics, setting her up with email, business cards, a company iPhone and a file containing passwords she’ll need to work on Marlowe’s behalf. I help her activate her new American Express black card and take her through the Quantum employee manual.

  Emmett Burke, our chief counsel, arrives with the confidentiality agreement that Leah is required to sign as a condition of her employment. Emmett goes over each element of the agreement, emphasizing the requirement for complete discretion at all times.

  “I need you to understand what that means,” Emmett says. “Your friends are going to be fascinated by your new job. They’re going to ask you about Marlowe and Flynn and Hayden and the others. They’ll want you to tell them things no one knows about the stars you now work for. By signing this agreement, you indicate that you understand the implications of talking about the Quantum principals, their family members or their personal business to anyone. Ever. If you do—”

  “I won’t.”

  “I’m sorry, but I’m required to inform you of the consequences of violating the agreement.” He outlines the legal steps the principals would take in the event of a breach of the confidentiality agreement.

  I know them by heart. I’ve never forgotten my orientation or the fear of God that Emmett put into me with threats of legal action that would effectively ruin my life. I’ve never breathed a word of Flynn’s business or the business of any of the Quantum partners to anyone, and I never will.

  With the fear of God instilled in her, Leah signs the agreement, her hand trembling ever so slightly as she does.

  “I’m sorry to start your first day with such dire warnings.” Emmett tucks the documents into a leather portfolio. “But I hope you understand that it’s not something we can postpone.”

  “I do, and I assure you, you’ll never have a reason to enforce that agreement.”

  “I’m sure I won’t.” He shakes Leah’s hand. “Welcome to Quantum. Look forward to working with you.”

  “Yes, me, too. Thank you.”

  As Emmett leaves the conference room, Leah watches him go. “Is being insanely hot a prerequisite to working here?”

  I laugh, because I can see why it would seem that way to an outsider.

  “What’s his story?” she asks.

  “Emmett? He’s been friends with Flynn and Hayden forever, since high school, and he’s worked for them since shortly after he graduated from law school. One thing I can tell you is he knows this business inside and out. He’s my go-to person for information I can’t get anywhere else.”

  “Good to know,” she says with a coy smile that makes me laugh. “I have a feeling I’m going to have a lot of questions for him.”

  Chapter 6

  I spend the rest of the day orienting Leah to the routine of assisting one of Hollywood’s biggest stars, sharing tricks and tips I’ve learned during five years of working for Flynn. Everyone is different, and what works for Flynn might not do for Marlowe. I emphasize that it’ll take
some time to master Marlowe’s preferences, and Leah’s job will get easier once she has a handle on the little things that mean so much in the chaotic life of a movie star.

  “Here’s a list of everything I know about her.” My “list” is twelve single-spaced pages. Marlowe has been one of the most important people in my life since my mother died while Marlowe was filming a movie with my dad behind the camera. At that time, she was “no one” by Hollywood standards, but she quickly became everything to a motherless twelve-year-old girl. If it wasn’t for Marlowe’s unwavering friendship, I have no idea what would’ve become of me. She’s the one who suggested Flynn hire me after I graduated from UCLA.

  Leah scans the first page of my report on Marlowe and then glances at me. “I think I love you.”

  I smile at her and hope I’ve made another new friend. My dad always says you can never have too many friends.

  By the time I leave the office, it’s nearly eight o’clock and dark, too late to run on the beach or Rollerblade on the boardwalk. That leaves me with yoga videos in my living room. Finding my Zen will be a challenge tonight, but I’ll give it a whirl.

  The one good thing about working late is I’ve missed the worst of rush-hour traffic, and I’m home in twenty minutes. I unbuckle the roses that I’ve belted into the passenger seat and carry them to the elevator, emerging on the fifth floor to find Hayden sitting outside my door.

  I’m so surprised to see him that I nearly drop the heavy vase.

  “I guess the fact that you brought them home means you like them,” he says as he stands.

  “They’re nice.” I focus on not dropping them as I juggle my purse and keys and open the door. “What’re you doing here?”

  “I was hoping we could talk.”

  “I was hoping for that yesterday.”

  He gestures to the flowers. “I said I’m sorry.”

  “I know.”